inspired

Often when I want to be inspired I return to Ireland in my heart and mind. I taste some simple magic. I am pretty much ready for Christmas...packages sent, cookies baked, shopping done. Only thing missing for me is
inspiration. Sometimes a little snow can bring that much needed holiday feeling. But I am certainly not asking for snow. The days of family Christmas are far behind me. Now a days we are all spread apart. I won't watch the light in my grandsons eyes as they dream and wait for Santa. No mistle toe or frantic party preparations. I learned 40 some years ago to let those festive feelings go. I learned in life that things most the time don't have a way of going the direction that you want. I learned that when tears well up to let them flow and when laughter is near to let it go and hold tight to the joy it brings. I look forward to a quiet Christmas Eve with a glass of wine and a stereo filled with Bing Crosby along with my 27 foot lighted Christmas tree that sits in my front window, lonely for grandchildren. Such a glorious tree don't mean much, right Charlie Brown? But I sure am thrilled to spend the evening with my sweet husband and my angel mother. I have learned that little things aren't so little and to find the treasure in that which we have and not look for it some place else. There is a light that shines and sometimes we just need to have the eyes and the vision to see the simple magic.

Billy

For some reason I am thinking of Billy. I just finished reading Wolf at Twilight, so my mind is taken up with my Indian family. Billy, John's spirit brother died several years ago on John's birthday Sept 25th. Billy was one of the kindest most real people I knew. What you saw you got. He had no illusion of what being Indian meant. He always treated me with delight at every occasion we were together. He had a zest for life and for his family. His dad Bill Two-Horses is a very strong Indian man and I am sure the death of his son has pained him way more than any of his war wounds. He was injured in two wars and survived a hurrific auto accident and yet the loss of this son is far more painful. Our families are what count. Our friends and our relationships are what are most important. This busy season... just forget about the hustle and bustle and hold close to those you love for those moments will soon pass. I pretty much know for sure that I will see Billy again, but what is most important to me now is his memory and the friendship and closeness we shared. His humor, his honestly and his connection to his culture is what stands out to me most...also and certainly not least his humility. Billy was able to be in the backround and was perfectly comfortable there. John and I have lost some dear family and friends these last few years and to me those who have walked on are still in my heart and very much alive. Merry Christmas Billy...Merry Christmas Nancy... Merry Christmas George...Merry Christmas
Sir Charles...Merry Christmas Father Bob......Merry Christmas to all!!

Christmas

John and I are both kind of Christmas Crazy. We took down the boxes of Christmas decorations from the attic yesterday, all 10 or 12 huge boxes full. We began to decorate our 12 foot pre-lighted Christmas tree. John on a ladder and me sorting thru a lifetime of memories. It is a three day task to decorate, this is day two. The tree is up and is absolutely beautiful. Dragonflies, birds, and shiny things fill up every spot of that enormous tree and it reminds me of our lives. So full, so many memories, friends, family and such good stuff. John loves Christmas, probably because as a child it is his one fond memory. Christmas was a good day sandwiched in the middle of 364 not so good days. For me this is true also. Christmas meant mom and dad, siblings, aunts and uncles and I was only able to spend 12 years that way. So for the past 40 some years I have been trying to re create those precious moments, unsuccessfully I might add. But John and I have made our own traditions and Christmas cheer. As I sort thru my treasures I come across the little lighted tree my 12 year old daughter gave to me when my life was falling apart and I can hold her sweet gesture in my heart each year as I look at that tree. The Santa Claus with barking dog my sweet Jonathan David gave to me and the special kindergarten one he made. There is the first Christmas precious moments ornament John and I bought 17 years ago the year we were married. The many dragonflies Sue has given us and on and on. We cherish these items, like we cherish the people who gifted them to us. Most of all let me say I cherish Christmas itself. The humble gift of love. The babe who says to us all "Life is good...death is better". I do not forget amid the hustle and bustle what Christmas means to me. A life of sadness and joy is packed away in those 10 or 12 big boxes and each item I see is another reminder that God loves me and has gifted me with wonderful family and friends. The sadness, oh yes it is part of life, but Christmas is here to shine a light on the gladness. So to my many friends and loved ones - Merry Christmas and most importantly may you experience this Christmas some genuine "Peace on Earth".

forever true

People can disapoint you. I was shocked to hear racist, bigoted comments from certain artists at the show this year. I just kind of thought artist had innate compassion and intuition. Well guess what Peggy, they don't. They are just people like me with flaws and prejudices. I grew up in a home where respect was expected. We were taught to see all races as valuable and to give highest regard to those who have been given the least respect. My dad was one of the few of his friends in the tumultuous riot ridden 60s, that would not tolerate racism. He would not stand for bigotry and he had the courage to speak out to his friends. I am cut to the core when I hear someone put down an entire race of people. I love football, but can not stomach the Washington racist team. Is there any wonder we have wars constantly, when people in our small community still hold racist ideas about Indian people. When within the walls of a simple art show, we have those who are way more interested in me then we. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me. That is my prayer today and the only way to sooth my disapointed heart is to look to the one who is forever true and see the light that shines in the darkness. How about a little "Walk a mile in my moccasin before you judge me" ?

how little we know

I am reading a wonderful book right now and it is opening my eyes to realize how little I know. Because we all know so little it is best to keep our opinions out of the way of love. I for one am so so guilty of nursing my intellectual judgements. I am working my way toward being an elder and in some cultures I would be considered one, but to arrive there I must let go. Letting go is not easy because it means facing my absolute grip on control. I am a child of the 60s, the freedom and radical thinking generation. I want to stand up for justice and take down all the oppressors of culture and human dignity. Guess what, flower child, you can't. And can't is certainly not a part of my vocabulary. Didn't can't @#%$ his pants. Oh well letting go is saying I don't know and I can't. I am learning the best way to take down oppressors is to put myself down. Love is not self righteous. Love does not claim to be the guru. Love serves. Love forgives. Love lets go. Love leaves room for error. Love is ok with not understanding. Love is sacrifice. Love is knowing very little. Love is caring. Love is not self seeking. Love is a journey. Love is listening. Love is way more than I can begin to know so I pray that I can begin to know love.

memories

I was looking over some facebook pics a young friend sent to me of her and her handsome young beau and suddenly I was struck with powerful memories. I wanted to write her back and say hold tight to these moments, cherish them, guard them from adult doubt and skepticism. For a moment I remembered frolicking in the leaves and seeing the huge world and loving the possibilities. Before the death of my dear ones, the scars of divorce, the pain of knowlege and constant reminders of mortality. I remembered driving from San Diego to Michigan with two strangers from college, with carefree laughter and unmeasurable possibilities. I remember sledding down the cold snow covered hills without a chill in my bones. Sleeping until noon and staying up half the night because I couldn't leave the fun. Memories pour through my dissalutioned tears. Life is too short and life is too painful. That is the truth, but please if you are young or young at heart, just disregard those words. Soak up your moment...........live free and unguarded. Believe, hope and love as you skip thru your days. Don't let worry seep into your world for soon it will come crashing in like a hurricane. Now is your time and it will never return. So fall deeply in love, climb the highest mountain you want and stay up as many nights as you can for tomorrow comes quickly. You will stand next to the bed of the one you love as they slip away, a flight of stairs will be a breathless challenge and 10:00pm will be a late night for you. But life is sweet from start to finish if you will embrace the moments. Live and love to live!

connected

Being on the road in Mississippi with musician/teacher John Two-Hawks and artist Joseph Chamberlain is full of great conversation. We laugh and talk, we talk about philosophy and history. We often spend time just making fun of ourselves. You would think I would be thrilled on the road, surrounded by new places, faces and experiences. Believe me I am not complaining but just sharing truth. I just like being home. I love waking up to my morning friends..coffee..birds and a crossword puzzle. My comfort zone. I remember never wanting to go to school, kindergarten was like the monster under the bed. Father Bob used to tell me I needed to get out and stay out of my comfort zone. I guess he knew me pretty well. We don't change much in this life. We are connected to our beginning no matter how long we travel the path. Our ancestors, our teachers, our fears and our familiar spirits hang around. If we had positive role models, loving parents, encouraging teachers then we are blessed. But most folks don't have such luck. Most folks have their monsters in the closet or under the bed. I for one had my share of luck or blessings but still I have to shake off that "I don't want to go out into the big scary world" and tell myself " maybe there is an ice cream cone waiting out there somewhere."
I am truly thankful for the wonderful friends and family I have. I am so thankful for my connection to them, for the beautiful earth and for miles traveled.... but mostly I am thankful for a new morning with no where to go, a hot cup of coffee, some birds outside my window and a very easy crossword puzzle to work on.